The Dark Days of Advent

These next couple of days are probably the worst out of the entire year for me. I know it's advent and Christmas is only a couple of weeks away. I know that the holiday season is supposed to be full of love and joy, and for the most part it is. But these next couple of days are going to forever be ingrained upon my soul. For these are the dark days of Advent for me. My own personal hell relived every December 10, 11th and 12th. Now, the only redeeming quality for the 12th is that it happens to be the birthday of one of my most cherished of friends, and so I pull myself together on that day and thank God for gift of this person. But, the 10th and 11th shall forever go down in infamy...

My wife and I lost our newborn daughter 6 years ago on December 11th. We have grieved. we have moved on with our lives. But when these days arrive, I can't help but revisit the raw emotions that took over my soul 6 years ago. I find myself thinking about what life would be like had we not lost Arwyn Julia...I find myself wondering what it would be like to have a 6 year old daughter. What strange ideas might she have? What might she have accomplished in her life to that point? What would she look like? And in this process I thank God for creating us with such wonderful imaginations, because I can picture in my minds eye all of who she is. All of who she has become. What she looks like. Smells like. Sounds like......

I sigh with wonder. I sigh with a great sadness. But as her father, I owe it to her to not forget. To actively move through the process of grief and joy, anger and sadness. She'll forever be my little girl. Arwyn...